Interviewee not pictured
Note from Kuang:
上一篇文章引起一些关于中国女性地位及女性意识觉醒的讨论，这次我采访了另一位年轻女性，她的讲诉也许可以提供一个小的参考： 20年的时间，我们走了多远？
为保护受访者的身份，采用受访者为自己选的假名阿眾，同“众”，众生的意思。
The last piece has caused some discussion about Chinese women’s status and the awakening of female consciousness. I talked to another woman this time, born 20 years later. Maybe her narrative can provide us a small reference: how far have we come after two decades?
To protect her privacy, she chose the pseudonym 眾, which means “all living creatures.”
A’zhong, female, 26 years old, from Sichuan
I had a sudden realization recently that me and my mom are alike in many ways. The thought freaks me out.
I’ve been trying so hard to be different. But I end up like a mirror, the things I dislike about her just end up reflected in me.
For a long time late last year, I was suffering from depression. I felt like my whole body was falling down a bottomless pit, or like it was going to melt away. I hardly could gather any interest or strength to do anything.
I’ve kept my depression to myself. I worry that I might someday become schizophrenic, just like my mom.
When my mom first acted weirdly, I was in primary school. I came back home one day to find the house was on fire, and it was my mom who started it. As her condition worsened, she became paranoid that everybody was conspiring against her, and she’d take very extreme actions.
I think I know the direct cause behind her illness. She married into a patriarchal family. My grandfather favors boys over girls. So my mom gave herself a lot of pressure trying for a boy after me and my sister. She did finally carry a baby boy, but had a miscarriage late in the pregnancy. The loss was a hard blow. It was then she started getting schizophrenic. She also became more irritable, and she’d hit me sometimes for no reason.
I always had this kind of distance from her. Facing someone like this, it’s hard to take a side. Love her? Seems difficult. Hate her? Sounds unfair. She is ill after all.
We’ve never warmed to each other, even till this day. We only call each other a few times a year. And I usually find myself struggling to keep the conversation flowing.
Looking back, a few warm moments do stay with me. I remember the sweater my mom weaved for me, and that, occasionally, she did my hair in the morning. She liked to braid it so tight that it hurts. But I kept silent even so, tried not to spoil the rare loving atmosphere. I also remember that one day I woke up to find the exact pair of white shoes I’ve long wanted quietly laying beside the foot of my bed.
It probably has something to do with my family background, that I’ve grown up into an adult wanting more love. I always put myself in relationships that I don’t typically enjoy. I just feel the need to be taken care of. And I find myself very reluctant to confront any relationship problems.
Not long after college, I came to Beijing working as an assistant in a photography studio. The boss rented a single room as a worker’s dormitory. I was the only one living there.
One day, during lunch break, he said he felt tired and wanted to come to the dormitory for a nap. I didn’t think it over that much and let him come. During the nap, his hands suddenly reached for me. I can’t really explain why I didn’t resist his touch. The next thing I know, I was raped.
I asked him to take accountability for what he did. He transferred me a few thousand kuai. I didn’t want things to develop into a public show. I did nothing more but left the job.
I then found a new job in a cafe. When nobody else was around, the boss touched my hands and grabbed my butt. I felt so helpless and thought to myself, why is this happening to me again, why me? I know I have a pretty face, but does that define everything about me?
I found a boyfriend later. At one point I tried to have this conversation with him about how women often get sexually harassed in jobs. He answered: “If a woman gets sexually assaulted, there must be something about her that incurs it.” I never brought up the topic to him ever again.
We recently broke up. I told him that I want to sleep with another guy. I suggested an open relationship. I thought it’s better to be honest with him rather than cheating him. He became so furious. He said some awful things and packed up his stuff the next morning.
Subconsciously, he seems to see physical attraction as something dirty, something evil. But shouldn’t we see an attraction as something beautiful? Even if I feel the sexual impulse towards someone, the impulse itself is pure and beautiful. How can you call a true feeling emerging from the bottom of someone’s heart ugly?
I don’t regret ending the relationship at all. I actually feel relieved to be single again. I’ve slowly gotten accustomed to being alone too. It gives me more time to think.
When waiting at a traffic light during a bike ride one day, I looked around. I saw a big crowd where everyone seemed in a rush for something. The picture made me think: how isolated and pathetic every human being is! That moment, I suddenly want to be more forgiving of people around me.
That’s also when I thought about my mom. I thought about what a life she’s been through. As a woman, it seems her biggest credit is having given birth to several children. I feel so sad for her.
In our next call, I want to ask if she can weave me a new sweater.
阿眾，女，26岁，生在四川，活在北京
我最近突然发现自己其实跟我妈挺像的，这个意识让我吓了一跳。
我花了那么多力气，就是想要跟她不一样，但有时候却像她的一面镜子，一些她身上我不喜欢的东西，如出一辙反射在我身上。
去年年底，我很长一段时间持续抑郁，整个身体往下坠，像要融化掉一样，做什么事情都提不起兴趣和力气。我没有跟任何一个朋友说，只是自己暗暗担心。我妈有精神分裂症，我担心搞不好哪天会跟她一样。
我妈开始表现出精神分裂的症状时，我还在上小学，有一天放学回家，发现家里着火了，是她点着的。严重的时候，她常出现幻觉，觉得身边的人都想害她，做出很多应激的行为。
她精神分裂背后的直接原因，我多少能猜到。我爷爷重男轻女，她迫于压力，极力想生一个儿子。生下我和妹妹之后，终于怀了一个男胎，到挺大月份，却流产流掉了。这件事对她打击很大，从那以后，她的精神分裂开始发作，并且脾气更加暴躁，时不时打我。
我从小跟她有距离感。这样一个人，你拿她没办法，爱她吗？好像做不到。恨她吗？可她是病人啊。我们的关系，到现在还是一样，说不上爱说不上恨，一年通不了几次电话，通电话也不知道该聊些什么。
当然小时候也有温馨的时刻，记得妈妈给我织过一件毛衣，穿在身上很暖和，她偶尔早上还会给我梳头，编麻花辫，就算头发扎得太紧我也会忍住不喊疼，生怕破坏这难得的温馨。还记得有一次，我特别想要一双小白鞋，结果第二天早上起来，那双白鞋就静静地摆在我的床底下。
大概跟成长经历有关，我一直内心蛮缺爱的，所以长大后会轻易陷入一段自己都不看好的关系里。谈过的几个男朋友，没有一次是因为特别喜欢，而是想要被照顾，对于一些亲密关系里出现的问题，我也往往疲于处理。
大学毕业后没多久，我通过朋友介绍，来北京一家独立摄影工作室当助手。老板租下一个单间做员工宿舍，只有我一个人住。有一次午休时间，他说工作太累，想过来休息一会儿，我没多想，就让他来了。他躺下之后，突然伸手过来开始摸我，说不清楚为什么，我居然没有抗拒，等我反应过来，已经被性侵了。事后我想让他担责，他给我转了几千块钱，我不想把事情闹大，从工作室离职了。
离职之后，我去到一家咖啡厅打工，男老板趁没人注意，对我动手动脚，摸我手摸我屁股。我很无奈地想，为什么这种事情又发生在我身上？我知道自己有张算得上好看的脸，可是这就决定了我的全部了吗？
后来我有了男朋友，试探性地跟他聊起女性在工作场合中遭受性骚扰的问题，他说，“一个女的会被性骚扰，跟她自己有很大关系。”我知道这个讨论进行不下去，住了口，再没跟他提起过。
我们最近刚刚分手了。我跟他说，我想跟另一个男生睡觉，问他能不能接受开放关系。我想这样对他坦白好过背后欺骗他。他很生气，说了一些难听的话，第二天一大早就收拾东西搬走了。
好像在他潜在的观念里， 对一个人有念想这个事就是脏的，是坏的。但心动本身是多么美好的一件事啊，即使我对对方有性冲动，这个冲动也是纯洁的，美好的。我想，任何发自真心实意的，它就不是丑陋的。
跟他分手我一点都不后悔，恢复单身状态我反倒觉得轻松很多，也慢慢适应独处，花更多的时间思考。
有天我一个人骑着自行车，想去三里屯逛逛，在一个红绿灯路口，看看四周来来往往的人群，每一个人都行色匆忙，我忽然有种强烈的感觉，觉得每个人在这个世上都是可怜的，孤独的。那一刻，我忽然想要更宽容地去对待身边的人，包括我妈。想想挺同情她的，作为一个女人，好像被认为做过最了不起的事情，就是生了几个孩子。
下次打电话，我想问她，如果有时间，能不能再替我织件毛衣。
Kuang is the founder of Beijing Lights. She would love to hear your thoughts about the column and is open to new collaborations. She can be reached at kuang [at] spittooncollective [dot] com.